Ring Number Two (Part II of V)

Family and Friends - That group of people who can bring out either the best or the worst in a person. Feelings of of exhilaration followed by exasperation that can range from the warm fuzzies to homicidal tendencies. What land is this that creates such warmth only to be pursued by the deep freeze?

For me, the family unit has been the breeding ground for countless issues of resentment and the cultivation of low self-worth. Before you think this post is about my personal doom and gloom, let me assure that, for the most part, I have moved beyond those issues. I write this in hopes of touching someone else. I'm not so terminally unique as to believe that I am the only person in the world with dysfunction in my life. All too often I hear my story repeated over and over. In a word, it has become commonplace.

There is tremendous societal pressure to adhere to the principles of holiday tradition. The bell ringers sound off loud and clear reminding us to be more generous. The movie theaters and TV are alive with traditional Christmas movies. The radio blares out to us how wonderful the season is. And the advertisements... don't even get me going on that!!!

While there are allusions to the fact that every family has its flaws, no one wants to own up to the fact that Grannie drools or that Uncle Bebop did too many drugs in the 60s and is kind of weird (to put it mildly) when we find him staring blankly into a corner. Movies like Home Alone tell us that no one would ever leave their child behind, well, except for that little Johnny. He'd rival all those demon children in every horror film ever made.

The list goes on and on. You know the story. Yes every family has its characters, its strong ones and its flaws. And while the entertainment industry pokes fun at the less perfect members in a family, no one had better overtly laugh at mine! What is it about the family unit itself that makes us feel so protective even if we're disgusted with certain behaviours?

The social institution known to us as family seems to be ingrained so deeply. There's something remarkable about having a group of specific people with which we interact that we can call our own. That one fact separates us from the rest of the world yet solidifies our bonds within the group itself. It is the essence of the personal knowledge of each member and our experience with the unit that creates the belonging. And no one else's experience is exactly like ours. Our intimate connection creates a reality known only to us.

But not all stories have happy endings as in It's A Wonderful Life. Whereas most families survive in spite of their differences, others fall apart and become environments of hostility. There's nothing like Christmas to point out the sense of isolation and perhaps abandonment. For many there is no Holly, Jolly Christmas only the sense that the heartstrings were not tugged, rather broken.

I spent many a year suffering and re-suffering the experiences of Christmas-past. I tried to fill my life with other things and people, but until I had my revelation, so to speak, I spent the holiday season praying for December 26th so it would all be over for another year.

"What we surrender to owns us."

That's a pretty simple concept, right? And yet... it took me 59 years to finally get it. In lieu of having family who wish to interact with me, I had to take drastic measures and make harsh decisions to finally break through to the other side of the heartache and pain. I have no explanation as to why I was unable to do it before except that I hadn't hurt enough yet. That may sound strange to you but in my experience I know that for me to finally get the point, I have to come to know that there is absolutely, unequivocally no other choice. And I had finally reached that moment in time where I could make the leap of faith that if I wanted to be happy on Christmas, I could be.

What I had to do was totally surrender to the stark, raving truth about my family. They are who they are and I can't change that. BUT... I could change my perspective about the whole situation. The best advice I ever got was to just stop it. I thought that was pretty lame actually. Stop it. Didn't they realize that if I had any power over stopping it I would have done that years ago and saved myself all the torture? But they insisted that was the only way.

My arguments were defeated every step of the way. I began to hear my own words ring in my ears. OMG, I was a whiner! And truly, I was exhausted from feeling all that pain. I finally gave in and gave up the fight. Christmas and all its feelings of family and warmth could be experienced in another way.

It began in small steps to redefine my family. Today I have a very small family as compared to the biological one. But the one thing I can say about them is that they are there for me no matter the situation, no matter the pain. I have surrounded myself with the angels I call friends. They lift me up when I am down. They encourage me to excel in all I attempt to do. They don't see me as damaged goods. And the most important thing is that they don't just love me at Christmastime.

I always wondered what the world would be like if the roles were reversed. I wondered... "What would it be like to have all those warm fuzzy feelings from Christmas until Thanksgiving instead of vice versa." Today I know that feeling in the deepest parts of my heart.

Family - People I care about who happen to care about me too. People who insist that I be the best me I can be. People who love me unconditionally.

The journey was painful and difficult. All I had to do was stop it. Stop reliving it. Stop embracing the pain as if it were my personal badge of honor. Stop hoarding it and open up to the love available - If only I would accept it. It IS a wonderful life. This story has a happy ending. Maybe you can create your own family and your own happy ending.

No pictures today... only this... and maybe I'll see you for Ring Number Three...