Only once before have I truly felt like I had a clean slate. That was the day I was baptized in the Spirit. But with 2010 breathing down my neck, I find that each new day is, in fact, a clean slate to do with as I wish. That gives me comfort and helps me to overcome the mistakes of all the yesterdays I have had to regret. Well, you know and I know I didn't HAVE to. But I'm human and I do stuff like that. I've always dreaded the day when I would be able to look back and say, "God, I miss the old days." I always felt it would be because I was 102 or something like that. And who wanted to be that old? But these days I am rethinking those thoughts and I am reinventing myself and redefining my life. It comes with a price. Hard decisions make for many a restless night. But then the struggles and wishy-washy attitudes do more harm than that. Twenty years ago I lived here. And I grew by leaps and bounds due to special people who were in my life at the time. I thought I would come back here at this time in my life to try to recapture the feeling of the 'good old days.' But alas, it is ever so illusive. And yet, under different circumstances with different people in my life, I am doing the same thing here today that I was doing 20 years ago. It always amazes me when I can see parallels like that. I learned valuable lessons back then. But along the way I forgot them and was drawn into a downward spiral that I thought would never stop. Yet in the midst of that whirlpool God saw fit to lift me up and snatch me right out of it. Now, full circle, I see the imitation of a life I once knew. And yet it is unique in its own way. But some things are constant. Some things aren't negotiable. Some things I learned helped me to become the person I am today. And it's only now after being here over a year that I can see what has happened... and more importantly... why. My slate is as clean now as it was back then. I am the author of my own life. Tomorrow has all the promise and potential that it ever did. What is different now is that I can actually see it. So what I would like to do is share a few of the pearls that have shaped me into the being I am now. I appreciate all your good thoughts and prayers. I most especially appreciate the support you give me, not to mention the kicks in the butt I need so desperately from time to time. What I value most is that you continue to believe in me when I find it hard to believe in myself sometimes. And for that... I am forever grateful. Happy New Year to all of you. So go out and pick up your slate. See what adventures you can conjure up for yourself this year. Be well. Be Happy. And may you stand in the Light of God...
Thursday, December 31, 2009
The Clean Slate
Friday, December 25, 2009
The Fulfillment (Part V of V)
I came to you today in the hopes that I may have some great wisdom to impart to impress you with how clever I can be. And although my friends lavish my senses with generous praise concerning God's gift to me, I sometimes feel so sorely inadequate when it comes to expressing myself. I suppose that is the nature of being human. I don't know. All I know is that is how I feel sometimes. I will give you fair warning though. I sometimes tend to be wordy... lol. And so this might be a good time to get a cup of coffee. I sense that this one may take a while to get itself on paper. And even though I wanted to write some greatly intellectual discourse wrapping up the other four days into one tidy little package for you, I have decided instead to tell you the story of how it came to be in the first place. In doing that there will be not notes this time. I intend to just 'put the pen on the paper and let it happen.' Writing from the heart is always what serves me best. Early in December I was scouring the internet for pictures to stimulate not only ideas for my writing, but also for some to support ideas I already had. This is something I do every day. In my travels I was also hoping to find an idea for a gift for a friend of mine. Time was running out and I hadn't found that 'perfect gift' yet. It was an ordinary day no different from the one before it. I hunt and search and then hopefully I write. That's my life. Pretty benign, huh? Now and then I stop when words fly off the page into my eyes and I read whatever has caught my attention. Hunt, search, read, write... the saga goes on. But this article would be a turning point for me. This article shook the very foundations and core of me. I'd like to think I am so mature and worldly and that I have absolute certainty of who I am and how I fit into this world. But what I have found is that if I really pay attention to my life, those notions are challenged on a daily basis. This article made me know a fear that I thought had long disappeared and I really didn't know what to do about it. Usually in those instances I go to my friends. I couldn't do that this time. This time was different. This time my whole identity was in question. This time I was left wondering once again in my life, who I was and what my purpose here was. This time I stood in fear of being forever lost - just one more time. I felt myself shrink up and withdraw feeling as though I was shielding myself. The pain felt unendurable. My heart was broken. I laid down hoping I could sleep and shake this feeling. Maybe it would just go away. Maybe I would wake up feeling whole and intact once again. Maybe my world hadn't been rocked. Before I even opened my eyes I felt the angst. I could feel me coaxing myself to just Stop IT!!! But it wasn't working. I couldn't write in this frame of mind. So I decided to just do more of the hunt and peck routine. Maybe I could find that gift. About an hour into the search I hit pay dirt. I found a beautiful necklace with keys on it. They looked antique and represented a person's faith in God. My friend is a walking miracle and a bright shining star who wears her faith on the outside. She would love it ( I hoped ). The story of how the necklace was created was enclosed. It was the story of a woman's vision during a time of spiritual warfare in her life. It was perfect and so I ordered it. The woman's voice was like the song of an angel. You could actually hear God through her voice. I felt uplifted and perhaps not so uneasy now considering the article I had read earlier that day. But it was short lived. The article I had stumbled upon was entitled The True Meaning of Christmas. It was a Christian site and so I thought I was going to be reading the Christmas story. Repetition is a good thing. It's a story to be read, reread and told and retold. It is the basis of who I am and what I believe. And I like to reaffirm that every chance it pops up for me. But I was not prepared for what I was about to read. I had long been aware that Christianity evolved very slowly over centuries and had adopted certain practices and beliefs that were related to other cultures. This article stated that and went further into very long explanations of all the facets that the author considered pagan ritual. Point by point and tagged with the related scripture, the article tore down every belief I ever had about Christmas. It even went so far as to say that it was possible that Christ wasn't even the Messiah. My eyes diverted to the top of the page quickly. This was a Christian site? Yes, it was. I sat stunned and shattered. Of all the points made ( and there were TONS ), the one that seemed to bother me the most was the timing of Christ's birth. According to this article Jesus was born in the Fall. Had everything I ever learned about Jesus and Christmas been as much a lie as Santa Claus? I was truly shaken to the core of me. The article ended with a grave warning that to celebrate the birth of the King on Christmas would only ensure my deliverance into Hell. And this was a Christian site? I sat there totally unsure of who I was, where I had been and now, where I was going. I agonized for days over this dilemma. I prayed but got no relief. I asked for answers. None came. The Christmas spirit this year was now non-existent. I was going through motions pretending to be excited about Christmas. I hated this feeling and yet, how could I burden someone else with my sudden disbelief? That wouldn't be fair to them. I decided to call one of the local churches to see if someone could talk with me. Several phone calls later I was still feeling the doubt and struggle. I remember thinking, "So... where's your faith now, Sally?" On December 13 I got a call from my friend's father. He had received the necklace for her. He was going to wrap it up for me. His daughter was going through some personal struggle of her own. He didn't say, I didn't ask. He wondered if he could give it to her early? It might help her through it. I assured him that it was fine with me. A little while later I realized I hadn't enclosed a card. Usually when I give a gift I write my own card and email it. I hadn't planned on her getting it early so I thought I had plenty of time to write it. Arggggg... now I had to hurry... lol. Being a gift of faith, I wrote the story on one of my other sites. I brought up the picture of the necklace and stared at it. I reread the story on that lady's site about her vision. I read her personal story of struggle and how she overcame the demons in her life. And then I sat and closed my eyes and asked God for help. My own personal struggle was running wild within my heart. How could I write of faith when my own was so weak? My fingers flew across the keyboard and aside from editing typos it was done in a matter of minutes. I read it over to make sure it sounded coherent. I was happy with it and published it. A few minutes later I was half crazy for thinking I had stolen the woman's trademark by using the picture of her necklace on my site. I rushed to email her and to request to use it. I included the link for the story so she could see the context I had used. In the meantime, my struggle was consuming a large part of each day. I was weary from the battle within. I wanted to feel intact once more. I wanted this article to simply go away. But it was like that story I heard forever ago about how you can't unring a bell. Well I can testify to the fact that you can't unread an article too. During this time period I was sent an email that guaranteed I could have success in publishing a book I had written. To make that dreadful story short, it only costs $2,000. The first 30 minutes of the 45-minute recording had sold this idea to me. But when they announced the cost I felt something snap inside me. I immediately began to cry and I didn't stop for over nine hours. I had had my disappointments in life. Who doesn't? But this one seemed to be more than my frail human spirit could endure. If you take the words crushed, broken and shattered and put them all together you only had the tip of the iceberg of devastation I felt. What was the point of my writing at all if I could never get it out there to be read? Why did I continue to bother? Worse yet, why did I have not only the gift, but also the accompanying passion to do it? All that seemed so cruel to me. The super sales guy couldn't leave me alone after he had sent out the one email. I got another within hours. And then another and another. I had felt so crushed that when I got the second one I sent him a reply asking to be removed from his mailing list. I couldn't bear the thought of even seeing his name in my mailbox. The straw that broke the camel's back came with the subject: So you haven't gotten the monkey off your back yet? Rage is a mild word compared to what I felt inside. Just who did this guy think he was anyway? He presumed to know what I felt and what self-limiting ideas I possessed. He didn't know squat about me or my position. And without thinking ( which I try to avoid at all costs ) I hit the reply button and typed the angriest letter I have ever written in my life. Enough was enough! As I hit the Send button I looked up and said out loud, "So there!" to the guy. And in the same breath, "Well, God, it's up to you now." I wouldn't know until yesterday, but that was the moment my faith was restored. The very next day the woman who I bought the necklace from contacted me saying she had something very important to speak with me about. I was baffled. The necklace had already been received and received. When we finally made contact the following day, I sat in utter disbelief when she asked me if I would consent to writing her story ( in book form ). I didn't know why just then, but I never wavered. Something was telling me it would be all right. I gave her my immediate yes. That was 11 days ago. In that time I have written many things. I feel an energy inside me that I haven't had in months. And then last Sunday as I was sitting and meditating, I had the idea for this series. Five golden rings... the Five 'Fs'... Family & Friends, Feelings, Fun, Food and Faith. That was the message I received. And I was supposed to make some sense of all that? But that's how my mind works. I don't always know the outcome when I write. Unlike the other four posts, I sit here today with no notes except for a list of pictures I would like to include. I feel humbled on this day to be the one to carry any message of faith when the last few weeks have been such a struggle for me. But God guides us all to do what we can when we can and so if you don't mind I will only take a few more of your precious moments. Long ago I was given a simple method by which to live. In trusting God I leave God's work to God. By cleaning house I take care of my own business. I hope for change and work towards it when necessary. If all else fails, I believe in miracles. They happen, but they don't JUST happen. Along the way if I am lucky, I get to help others. How I do that is a very personal thing. What I do may be different from what you do. We all do what we can and what we are able to do. For me faith is absolute certainty in the face of impossibility. In its most basic form, faith is respect for all that is and all that I don't understand. Faith is trust in spite of adversity and believing we can and will prevail. It is a steadfastness and conviction no matter the worry or concern. Faith is a deep, soul-centered knowing that everything is as it should be and that all is well in my world. Faith is the direct opposite of fear. If you will notice, there is no "I" in fear, but there is one smack-dab in the middle of faith. And faith isn't a passive thing either. It is spelled A-C-T-I-O-N. I think faith is as old as mankind itself. The ancient trinity of Father, Mother and Child is something we all know and can relate to. It is sacred. I think it's coded in our genome as our direct link to God. While Darwin was searching for the missing link, he may have been better served to look within rather than outward around him because every answer we ever need is already inside us. I believe there are more than the Five Golden Rings, but that God only gave me what I could handle at this time in my life. I don't know the exact date of Jesus' birth. I don't think anyone does really. And why did I allow the other author's discernment to outweigh my own? I don't know that either. All I know is that long ago a child was born. It was prophesied that he would the the King. He lived his life free from sin. He died so that I could live forever. My life is better because he lived to teach me and died to save me. I doubt rituals, customs and borrowed practices will prevent me from being in His house one day. But shunning him, turning away from him and declaring he doesn't exist will. And that's what doubt in place of faith can do to a person. My faith is like anyone else's. I have my doubts now and then. That's what makes me human. But I have an ace in the hole. I pray daily for the faith of a child. There is something so innocent and pure in a child's faith. "And said, Verily I say unto you, Except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven." Matthew 18:3 Celebrate with me now, if you will, in the birth of Our Lord. Gather with your family and friends. Have fun! Become closer as you share a meal with them and feel every feeling you can get your hands on. Display your faith proudly and loudly. Remember.. Without Him we are nothing. Merry Christmas... May God's Love shine in your eyes and come forth from your lips.
Faith - Good for the whole family
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Ring Number Four (Part IV of V)
Eating - we all do it. We either eat or die. That's pretty simple. But for most of us that's where the thought process about food ends. We eat because we have to but mostly because it makes us feel good. There's nothing more satisfying than the full feeling after we have been hungry. It creates a sense of well being and grounds us. Ah, yes. It doesn't get any better than this. But have you ever thought about why you eat what you eat? Or when, or what types of food? Or who you eat with (or without), or even where you eat? Me either until recently. Food is a huge part of every culture on this earth. And along with the food itself there are rituals that tag along. Many times culture dictates a person's diet. Other times social or economic reasons prevail. But whatever the reasons, our sustenance is as natural for us as breathing the air. In the time of Neanderthal man, I doubt there was much thought on the matter of nutrition. It was probably a case of eat or be eaten. He had to maintain his strength to survive. Survival, after all, is the most basic of instincts. Somewhere along the way I see him using a small animal to bait a larger one - the crudest form of trapping, thus ensuring another day's food to continue in his journey. I'm sure they discovered that to band together improved their chances of making it to tomorrow. Without the benefit of language, it must have been difficult for them to understand the feelings they might have to envy someone else's belongings, however scant. We imagine cavemen as being a savage and brutal lot, but who knows really? Did they fight over food and who would get it? Or were they the ones who invented the barter system? I'll trade you this hunk of meat for that fur. It could have happened that way. In fact, I feel certain it did. I feel confident in saying that because food and survival are so basic it makes no sense to disregard that possibility. Neanderthal currency may have been food and used for basic creature comforts - furs and sex top my list. To me it seems it had to begin that way. The food for sex barter is still in use today. We call it dating. The old dinner, movie and sex routine. It almost seems that it is ingrained so deep within us that it might be in our genes at a cellular memory level perhaps. Food has so many facets to its personality that the meaning gets lost in translation. It is passion for some, demon for others. Myriad symbolic forms press on us and mold our ideas about food. It is habit, life, excitement and ritual all rolled up into one neat package. Rituals comfort us. They define our humanity. Furthermore they express our conviction that we are a civilized brood, not animal or savage as we view the cave dwellers. But no matter the elaborate symbolism, whether it be social, cultural, religious or emotional, its relevance binds us at a soul level. Imagine a social gathering with no food. Quite an appalling thought, isn't it? Certain cultural and religious events wouldn't even exist without food. And the emotional bond to food is perhaps even greater than all the ones mentioned before it. For me there is deep meaning and significance in a turkey dinner with all the trimmings. I can't pinpoint the exact meaning. I think it might have been when I was very young. But when I smell turkey cooking and then enjoy the meal itself, I am brought to a safe place within my soul. I doubt it is coincidence. It happens every time for me. Emotional bonds to food can be greater than addictions to drugs or alcohol. Here we are at this time in history nearly panicked about the swine flu pandemic and this country has the worst obesity epidemic in the world. Again, it's a cultural thing. We've become a lazy nation who allows ourselves (and our children) the luxury of eating out all the time unconcerned about the kinds of foods we are taking in. Pre-packaged foods are opted for instead of home cooked meals. The list of 'progressive' ideas goes on ad nauseum. The plain truth to me is that it isn't so much what we eat that's harming us, it's what is eating at us. We celebrate everything with food. Birthdays, funerals, happy days, holy days, holidays... We eat comfort foods to soothe us, we prepare foods to impress others, we give food to the needy. It is the universal currency dating back to when we realized we had to eat to survive. No matter the social, economic, cultural, religious or emotional ties, food is still the best thing since... no wait... sliced bread wasn't there at the beginning... OK, now I'm baffled. I say... Let them eat cake!!! (and various other eye candy delights)... Enjoy... See you at the fulfillment...
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Ring Number Three (Part III of V)
I see you're back for another dose of punishment. That's right, I can see you, right there with your nose up to the screen. So let me tell you this... your senses will be delighted today. I have a question for you - What's your idea of fun? Don't all raise your hands at once now. Fun for most people is that illusive time between miseries. Work isn't fun (unless you're me) haha... I LOVE my work. I heard a long time ago that when you choose a profession, choose the work you have a passion for and you will never work a day in your life. For me, no truer words were ever spoken. Chasing the dollar isn't fun. Worrying about feeding your family and college tuition and getting that new car because the old one is nearly dead isn't fun. Credit card, utility, phone and mortgage payments aren't fun. We can be left wondering what's the point. Housework isn't fun. Sick kids, 3 am feedings, yucky diapers and snotty noses aren't fun. Crabby spouses are definitely not fun. So what's a person to do? We're all in this boat called Life together. We each give a little and take a little. There are no free rides. And the bottom line is that life truly is what you make it. Oh, I hear you. "But what about illness and debt and???..... that's enough to weaken the strongest of the strong." The list goes on forever. I thought that way for a long time. Still do sometimes. We can slip into that feeling of how there's no justice in this world at any time. We can have our pity party for one and have a grand time doing it while we're at it too. I have heard and probably said all the reasons for not having fun. I love that list. It's incredible the things the mind can come up with to keep itself in misery. Any of this sound familiar? I was given a formula years ago to achieve balance in my life. I was told that if any one of the four was missing, then my life would be out of balance. The four things were Work, Rest, Play and God. I thought about that for quite a while. Truth is - I really didn't know how to have fun. My first attempt at playing was to buy a kite and go to the local park and try to get it airborne. I must have looked pretty weird at 35 out there flying a kite with no accompanying child to use as a cover. But something happened to me that afternoon. As the kite flew upward I could feel the tug on the string. It reminded me of years past when I used to go fishing with my family. Those tugs felt like the fish biting on the fishing line. In essence, what happened is that I lost all sense of time. I was back fishing with my family. It was a time where I felt safe in this world. I was no longer flying a kite. I was sitting on the riverbank safe and secure with the breeze in my face. I left there that day with a newfound freedom. My heart was full and my step was a little lighter. I had discovered, however slight, how to have fun. Fun is a diversion from the reality that crushes us sometimes. Over the years I have cultivated quite an array of facets for my 'fun side." I love humor of all sorts. I love to laugh and experience the feeling of lightheartedness. Mostly, I love to make others laugh. For what we bring to others is shared twice. Christmas time should be a time of gathering and fun. Some people have traditions that they wouldn't break no matter what. The important thing is that they are carried on and continued. It doesn't matter what the experience is just as long as it lives on. In the end, when we are old, we are left with those memories. We can revisit them any time we want. And we can feel and re-feel the good times, the love, the fun we all had... back in the day. Today is one of the good old days we will be remembering 10 years from now. Gather with your family and friends. Create new traditions and know that they will sustain you when you have nothing left but time to think about them. Go back and hear the words all over again when you were gathered at the table. The noise was nearly deafening, the laughter loud and happy. And it seemed as though each sentence began with "Remember the time......?" I'll leave you to your memories now and please know that my time with you is fun. You will be my 'remember whens." Now go out and make some new memories. One can never have too many. And let me make you smile one more time this year... enjoy! Tata.... Number Four... in the making... Mmmmmmm...
Sing to me Baby
Awwwww....
Now who would do this to a kid? Me! LOL
They're upset, but look at Santa's face.
Ho Ho Ho!!!
Get that kid outta there!!!
I've been good Santa... please help!
Santa might be delayed
Who's that?
My hero!
Christmas just isn't the same in Florida.
Fine! Take your picture!
Oh, Baby, it's cold outside!
Traditional...
Redneck
Begin with a cat,
