Burdened

I can't tell you how much I appreciate my friends. It seems to me that anything I say will be inadequate at best. But I must try albeit an attempt left wanting.

When a person holds out their hand as I did, it isn't often that a helping hand is found there. Part of the reason I have never had much faith in helping hands is that there were never any there when I really needed them. Oh sure, people would vow their undying help. But when push came to shove I always found myself doing both.

And then there came a magical day in my life. It was a wonderful, normal day like any other filled with its situations and circumstances totally beyond my control. I barked and spouted various negatives. (I did that when I was at my wit's end.)

The day after, a kind and gentle soul recounted the events of the night before. I felt embarrassed and ashamed. I was glad I was on the other end of the Internet. My tears couldn't be seen then. I wanted to run and hide. I wanted to never have to feel this way again. I was sure I had sabotaged any kind of friendship that may have developed and I just wanted to melt into nothingness.

I was convinced that the next thing I would hear was that it was nice knowing me, but that they weren't prepared to have to listen to such things from anyone, much less me. But I never heard that. What I heard instead was an offer of help. I was stunned.

We all have circumstances to deal with in our lives. Some aren't very pleasant. I felt as though I had had more than my share of unpleasant things. I just wanted respite from the endless array of nonsense that cluttered my life. Perhaps inside I wished to be entirely exempt from them. I don't know. It just seemed that sometimes life's pains were a little more than the human spirit could endure. Where was all the happiness?

More times than not I had engineered defeat in my life as a way of never having to be close to anyone. I always disappointed people anyway. I had heard that more times than I could count. It made me feel as though I were something to be tolerated, put up with and endured.

But this time... this time was different. A helping hand... what a concept. It intrigued me. And so I decided in my bewilderment to accept that help. My life was going nowhere and it was on a collision course for horrible things anyway. What could I lose, except some time and effort involved in this helping game?

Nearly two years later now, I am happy to announce I have many helping hands available to me. Not a whole lot has changed in my life really. I moved about a year ago to another state. But that's about it. Situations and circumstances haven't changed one iota. There's no grand increase in income. It's all still a hand to mouth existence. So what changed? Me, that's what. My perception of things has changed.

Two years ago I wouldn't have given you two red cents for my life. I had thought of checking out many times but never tried because I was convinced that I wouldn't even be able to do that right. Lucky thing for me, huh?

What I've discovered in the past two years is that I am not alone in this world. Furthermore, I am not insignificant or unnecessary, nor am I a person who needs to be tolerated, put up with or endured like some humongous burden to be withstood.

You tolerate a blister on your foot. You put up with the fact that you can't get any younger. You tolerate the idea that it's raining and you forgot your umbrella. A person is to be accepted for who they are, as they are, without conditions. Because if you require a person to change, you require them to lie to you.

I am a person of value with gifts and talents that are all mine. I am surrounded by people who challenge me every day to be the best person I can be. They are loving and compassionate, uplifting and kind. They keep me striving to move forward, push me to better myself, all the while loving me just as I am for who I am. I have never had that before.

To you, My Friends, (and you know who you are), I thank you for allowing me to grow in your garden. It was a nasty job and someone had to do it. I'm so glad it was you who helped me for I couldn't have learned from anyone else. God sure is smart, huh? Hugs and kisses to you.