The Eye of God

Having someone you care about express displeasure with your attitude can produce myriad feelings. Perhaps the most disheartening of all is that awkward silence that drifts between the two of you when you're talking. At those times the silence screams for attention begging to be filled with anything other than the void created by the pain which is felt.

Over time it is no longer a matter of who is right or wrong. The focus becomes the quest to fill that space so the emptiness doesn't swallow you alive. Why you feel that way can be a confusing, albeit enlightening, affair.

No one likes to think they are negative, especially negative enough for another person have the need to bring it out into the light. A sense of embarrassment colored by a hint of panic erupts. The fight or flight response kicks in ready for the attack.

Depending on the individuals involved, the conversation can range from looming silences to full blown verbal warfare. I find neither to be of much value. I usually retreat to regroup my thoughts and sort my feelings to find out what the real problem is. It isn't always a pleasant process if I am willing to be honest with myself. It takes some effort and time on my part, but usually I can end up seeing the forest in spite of the trees.

First of all, I have to know deep inside my heart that the other person would not even take the time to express themselves in that manner if they didn't care. People who don't care just go on with their lives mostly unaffected by what other people say or do. It isn't the strangers or acquaintances that cause the real pain. It's those whom you love and care about, those who you have allowed yourself to stand vulnerable in front of, those who you trust that take the time to hold a mirror up to you and say, "Look at yourself. Look at how you seem to the outside world." It is those same people who can hurt you the most if they are unkind and are not compassionate in their assessments.

With that said, and having determined that the other person comes from a point of caring, what is the next step? Or is there a next step? Do we accept the invitation to excel and grow, or do we write it off as just another episode in an already less than perfect life? Do we accept responsibility for our attitude and try to change it, or do we remain stagnant in the status quo?

In a perfect world, we would all "just get along" and say "Thank you for sharing that with me" and move on. But hurt feelings, any feelings for that matter, can get in the way. The mind's playground can be a vicious place to be. The very reason for the conflict, the negativity, can seep in to destroy what little hope we had for expansion. It can usurp the 'feel good' feelings about people caring about us and drive us back to the notion that, indeed, it is about being right or wrong. If we remain in that mode, nothing will ever change.

Becoming positive is relatively simple. Remaining positive is a twenty-four hour job. Despite talking, reading, studying, and meditating about positivity, life can, and will, have its way with you. Unforeseen circumstances will enter our lives and sometimes rob us of what little sanity we have stored up for ourselves. It could last moments, days or in sad cases, years. But whatever the situation, at any given moment, I am sure everyone, no matter who they are, is doing the very best they can.

If I truly believe that, then I can believe that I, too, am doing the best my life allows at this particular point. I can't use someone else's experience to determine my growth. What I CAN do is place myself against my own yardstick and measure the growth I have attained in the last month, year, etc.

I'm not the person I was 20 years ago. It was a different time, a different place. I can't be that person any more. In some ways, I am glad for that. In other ways... oh to be young again!

Life circumstances have dealt me a hand that I thought was a loser for a long time. As long as I believed that, it was true. I don't have to bluff through it either. When it's going nowhere, I fold. There's no shame in that. I anted up and that was enough.

So what's the bottom line here? Is it that I am upset with my friend who held up the mirror? Or is it that I am appalled at what I saw? I think you know the answer to that.

Is it in her eyes that I failed? Or is it in my own?

Or maybe... it is in the Eye of God? In the end, it is all that is important. In the end, it is His mirror that matters most.