At one... With myself? With others? With God? Always there is someone unhappy about something. It can't be helped. I think my mother had it pegged right: "Try to please everyone and no one is pleased. Please yourself and at least one person is happy."
But then I feel guilty if I am too self-indulged. It just isn't right to be so selfish. So where is the balance? Is there a balance? Is there any one particular thing I can do to strike that balance? Truly, is there any hope for it?
My world is right here, right now. It consists of my family, friends, co-workers and people I meet in passing, such as the bus driver, the store clerk, etc. In the grand scheme of things, my world is very small, indeed.
If I gaze behind me I can see the landscape of my past. As I look I can be filled with myriad emotions. I can be happy and satisfied. I can be bitter and resentful. I can be regretful and sad. It is done. There is nothing I can do about any of it.
My future can be anything I desire it to be. But if my past is littered with heartache and sorrow, very little will happen differently in my future. I may look at it and just give up hoping. I may think that I deserve whatever comes for any mistakes I made in the past.
So what can I change? How do I become at one with this thing I call my life?
I have lived long enough to know that if nothing changes, nothing changes. I also know I cannot live in the past nor the future. I have to live here, now. How can I do that when I see pain I have caused others?
First of all I need to own that I did that. It isn't easy. It isn't even fair. It is, however, the right thing to do and a good first step. Once I know who I have harmed, I need to set out to make amends to them. It's frightening. A thousand thoughts run through my head as I am contemplating the task. Questions abound and I wonder if I might be going mad.
What if they slam the door in my face, or hang up the telephone on me? What if they plain refuse to talk to me? What if they are no longer alive? How do I make amends to someone who has passed? Yes, the very thought of amends conjures up many bogeymen.
I could rationalize and justify my reasons for not making amends. It was so long ago. How could it matter now? They never liked me anyway. In fact, I didn't like them either. What's the point really?
The point is to clear the air, to clear the soul. If my life was less than stellar perhaps this amends-making process could reverse what seems like bad luck all along. The reality is that it wasn't bad luck at all. It was a series of choices. Actions cause pain, not thoughts.
And so I set out to repair the wreckage of my past. I write down all those who I feel that I have harmed in some way. It makes no difference if I happen to also feel that they have harmed me. It is MY amends to be made, not theirs. So here at the very beginning of the amends process I find that I am making the amends for my self and my own peace of mind. I find that it doesn't matter if they accept it or not. The healing will come due to my willingness to make the amends in the first place.
I call people or meet with them. It is mostly how they receive it that determines how it is done. With some it is a written letter, for example, if someone has died.
Now amends are more than just rushing out and telling everyone I am sorry. Hopefully I am truly remorseful. But it is an ongoing matter. I don't go to someone, make amends and then continue to do that very offense to them or anyone else. No, atonement is the act of changing your life. And when you begin to change you can feel the empowerment and confidence of a new you.
I won't tell you that I have made all my amends. I haven't. But I have done a lot of work on that part of my life. Some people - I just don't know where they are or if they are still alive. Some people won't allow me to make those amends. I have to live with that.
But the person I made the amends for - myself - is the one person I have the most trouble making peace with. It is hard to forgive myself for transgressions I have made. But the end of the process does just that.
For those who have accepted my sincerest and deepest apologies for things I said or did, most told me it was no big deal. The biggest problem was that it was a big deal to me.
The more I forgive myself for my past, the better my present and future are. The more I am at one with people around me, the more I am at one with myself and especially with God. I've never been told that life was easy. I was told that if I led my life in a righteous way it would be worth it.
Each and every day I try to live my life in such a way that those who knew me long ago when I was younger and more foolish and making those HUGE mistakes would never believe I could live this way. I owe it to them. I owe it to myself. I owe it to God... to be 'At-One' with all who I encounter. And then perhaps if I can keep my own little corner of the world in order I can one day hope in harmony throughout this swirling cosmos that we all call our universe, our life.
