Ring Number Two (Part II of V)

Family and Friends - That group of people who can bring out either the best or the worst in a person. Feelings of of exhilaration followed by exasperation that can range from the warm fuzzies to homicidal tendencies. What land is this that creates such warmth only to be pursued by the deep freeze?

For me, the family unit has been the breeding ground for countless issues of resentment and the cultivation of low self-worth. Before you think this post is about my personal doom and gloom, let me assure that, for the most part, I have moved beyond those issues. I write this in hopes of touching someone else. I'm not so terminally unique as to believe that I am the only person in the world with dysfunction in my life. All too often I hear my story repeated over and over. In a word, it has become commonplace.

There is tremendous societal pressure to adhere to the principles of holiday tradition. The bell ringers sound off loud and clear reminding us to be more generous. The movie theaters and TV are alive with traditional Christmas movies. The radio blares out to us how wonderful the season is. And the advertisements... don't even get me going on that!!!

While there are allusions to the fact that every family has its flaws, no one wants to own up to the fact that Grannie drools or that Uncle Bebop did too many drugs in the 60s and is kind of weird (to put it mildly) when we find him staring blankly into a corner. Movies like Home Alone tell us that no one would ever leave their child behind, well, except for that little Johnny. He'd rival all those demon children in every horror film ever made.

The list goes on and on. You know the story. Yes every family has its characters, its strong ones and its flaws. And while the entertainment industry pokes fun at the less perfect members in a family, no one had better overtly laugh at mine! What is it about the family unit itself that makes us feel so protective even if we're disgusted with certain behaviours?

The social institution known to us as family seems to be ingrained so deeply. There's something remarkable about having a group of specific people with which we interact that we can call our own. That one fact separates us from the rest of the world yet solidifies our bonds within the group itself. It is the essence of the personal knowledge of each member and our experience with the unit that creates the belonging. And no one else's experience is exactly like ours. Our intimate connection creates a reality known only to us.

But not all stories have happy endings as in It's A Wonderful Life. Whereas most families survive in spite of their differences, others fall apart and become environments of hostility. There's nothing like Christmas to point out the sense of isolation and perhaps abandonment. For many there is no Holly, Jolly Christmas only the sense that the heartstrings were not tugged, rather broken.

I spent many a year suffering and re-suffering the experiences of Christmas-past. I tried to fill my life with other things and people, but until I had my revelation, so to speak, I spent the holiday season praying for December 26th so it would all be over for another year.

"What we surrender to owns us."

That's a pretty simple concept, right? And yet... it took me 59 years to finally get it. In lieu of having family who wish to interact with me, I had to take drastic measures and make harsh decisions to finally break through to the other side of the heartache and pain. I have no explanation as to why I was unable to do it before except that I hadn't hurt enough yet. That may sound strange to you but in my experience I know that for me to finally get the point, I have to come to know that there is absolutely, unequivocally no other choice. And I had finally reached that moment in time where I could make the leap of faith that if I wanted to be happy on Christmas, I could be.

What I had to do was totally surrender to the stark, raving truth about my family. They are who they are and I can't change that. BUT... I could change my perspective about the whole situation. The best advice I ever got was to just stop it. I thought that was pretty lame actually. Stop it. Didn't they realize that if I had any power over stopping it I would have done that years ago and saved myself all the torture? But they insisted that was the only way.

My arguments were defeated every step of the way. I began to hear my own words ring in my ears. OMG, I was a whiner! And truly, I was exhausted from feeling all that pain. I finally gave in and gave up the fight. Christmas and all its feelings of family and warmth could be experienced in another way.

It began in small steps to redefine my family. Today I have a very small family as compared to the biological one. But the one thing I can say about them is that they are there for me no matter the situation, no matter the pain. I have surrounded myself with the angels I call friends. They lift me up when I am down. They encourage me to excel in all I attempt to do. They don't see me as damaged goods. And the most important thing is that they don't just love me at Christmastime.

I always wondered what the world would be like if the roles were reversed. I wondered... "What would it be like to have all those warm fuzzy feelings from Christmas until Thanksgiving instead of vice versa." Today I know that feeling in the deepest parts of my heart.

Family - People I care about who happen to care about me too. People who insist that I be the best me I can be. People who love me unconditionally.

The journey was painful and difficult. All I had to do was stop it. Stop reliving it. Stop embracing the pain as if it were my personal badge of honor. Stop hoarding it and open up to the love available - If only I would accept it. It IS a wonderful life. This story has a happy ending. Maybe you can create your own family and your own happy ending.

No pictures today... only this... and maybe I'll see you for Ring Number Three...

Five Golden Rings... (Part I of V)

Christmas - that time of year when either everything goes very well or life abides by Murphy's Law. Sitting at the Thanksgiving table there is no way to know which way it will turn. And if you're like most people, it really doesn't sink in either way until it's nearly too late.

There's so much emphasis on spending (beyond our means). "Charge it!" is the battle cry on Black Friday. "It's today or never!" I really resent retailers who try to put people in a panic. I decided this year that the only panic I would feel was if it were self-induced. Truly that is the truth no matters who it applies to anyway. But as humans we are quick to point the finger outward totally oblivious that when we do that there are three more pointing right back to where the problem began.

And so this year I decided that I would try to unravel the brouhaha over the intensity and dynamics of Christmas. I can't say I was pleased. Soul searching always shows me some sort of character defect. But as they say, grow or go... go right on remaining the same.

What I boiled Christmas down to is what I will call The Five 'Fs' of Christmas, my own personal five golden rings. And for me, if I can balance these five things correctly then I can be assured of a pretty meaningful Christmas.

They are:

• Family and Friends
• Feelings
• Food
• Fun
• Faith

It seems the whole of the Holiday Season is activated, stimulated, agitated, anticipated, complicated by the feelings we have about Christmas. But knowing that feelings aren't facts, why do we then still project them onto the season? Most misery or disappointment is self-generated. Priorities are so mixed up that the meaning of Christmas itself is violated, obliterated and lost in the abyss.

Christmas is a time of celebration, appreciation and illumination of the soul. How can that happen when there are 14 pies to bake, 25 trips to the store for those last minute items on sale, endless wrapping of presents, 3 kids, 2 dogs and a cat that wouldn't move if it's life depended on it? Oh yes, and there's the full time job plus the housework and the 'absent' hubby, not to mention the doctor's appointments, school plays, bill paying and let's not forget the sports schedule. And truly, a bath would be in order sometime soon. Oh, My!

I would die a thousand deaths for a scenario like that. But over here in Nowhereville, I am alone. I can't relate to those feelings. But I sure do have a bucketful of my own. I have an absent family and very few friends. But those I do have, I value as if they were my family, in fact, they ARE my family.

I guess what I'm saying is that no one's life is perfect. If you're waiting for that perfect life to come along 'someday,' then the entirety of your own life will pass you by and one day you will be left wondering what the hell happened. If you have family, cherish them. If you don't, then go out and find someone else who may be lonely and be the shoulder for them. It's surprising how much benefit you can get from doing a kind act for another.

Christmas isn't about the gifts you receive. It's about what you give of yourself. If you have much, give much. You can't outdo God. For what you do will come back to you, tenfold. If you have little, then do what you can, even if it's a kind word in a simple phone call. You never know how you touch other lives just by being there for someone. Material items will vanish, tarnish and break over time. But a kind word can be replayed over and over in someone's mind. And when you get right down to it, it's really all we ever have to give - that gift of ourselves and our time.

The music on the radio tells us that Christmas is approaching. And while you may be dreaming of a white Christmas all too many will have a blue one. I've never roasted chestnuts on an open fire, but I can remember wanting those two front teeth for Christmas. And while I've decked a few halls in my time, I wish I could find a fleece navy dog right now to cuddle up to... it's soooo cold here. Frosty the Snowman may as well move in.

Grandma never got run over by a reindeer. It was the kid down the street who ran over her when he was learning to drive. And I never saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus either, because he was always dead drunk on Christmas Eve. And despite all that, I still like to rock around the Christmas tree but, I assure you, I'll be home for Christmas because it's better than being with my relatives.

And while the silver bells ring in the city I'll be glad I'm in the sticks where it's nice and quiet so I can enjoy those visions of sugar plums stomping on my brains as I try to attune myself with the silent night to find joy to the world.

And hark, if those herald angels sing too loud, I'll exclaim as they try to compose themselves, "Do you hear what I hear?" And then I'll go pull the fire alarm. And as they run away I'll tell them to take that little drummer boy with them too. What a noisemaker he is!

I can't help it that Santa Claus is coming to town. This winter wonderland isn't the same without Rudolph. Ever since his nose went out and he left town, the twelve days of Christmas just haven't been the same.

The partridge no longer resides in the pear tree, but rather under the underpass on I-90.

The ten lords a-leaping got laid off due to Obamanomics. Not every leaper is destined for Broadway you know.

And the eleven pipers piping got 10-15 years for possession with intent to distribute.

The twelve drummers drumming got married to the nine ladies dancing and the three French hens. They all moved to a remote Caribbean island where that sort of thing is tolerated.

The two turtle doves got divorced and are living happily after.

The six geese a-laying became hookers. Why not? That's what they've been doing all along, isn't it?

The eight maids a-milking went on strike due to low wages compared to their male counterparts. A mediator was called in to try to negotiate a deal, but it doesn't look good.

The four calling birds now interrupt you at dinnertime with nuisance calls as telemarketers. One has his eyes set on a job at Verizon so he can be the one who calls the guy in the commercial who asks, "Can you hear me now?"

And the seven swans a-swimming are set for life after landing their dream jobs at Disneyworld. They look beautiful in front of that castle.

As for the five golden rings... they're mine, all mine. "Why is that?" you ask. Because I started this little episode on the differentiation of the white and blue Christmas. I led you through a Christmas maze of the feelings. We went up and down, hopeful then blue, and then we laughed just a bit. Isn't that just like any other day? Why make Christmas the bogeyman when it's suppose to be a time of wonder?

Your feelings don't have to define how your Christmas will be for you. You have the power to take it back. Experience what you most desire. If it's peace and quiet, then just do it. If it's fellowship and good times, then do that. But don't let your preconceived notions dictate to you what will be.

There! We just explored the first of My Five Golden Rings, one of the Five 'Fs' - Feelings. That didn't hurt too bad, did it? Now take just a moment to look at the following pictures. Ask yourself what feelings arise. If they are good for you, hold onto them. If not, just let them go. And maybe I'll see you next time for Ring Number Two. Merry Christmas to all...