My Child

I was never so blessed as to have children. I bemoaned that fact for many years. But in the last few years I have come to know a new peace and a new happiness concerning the matter.

　

Many times we do not understand the workings of God. We only understand our desires and lack of them. In our short times on this earth we seek to procure all that we can... even if it is to accumulate family. But as the old saying goes, "You can't take it with you."

　

I know now that decisions I have made in my life would have had tragic consequences if I had had children to follow me through them. I know now that God was more than kind to me. And the most important thing I know now is that I had a child to rear and protect the whole time. That child was me.

　

I never grew up. Oh, I got old. Don't we all? In fact for many a year it was my battle cry: "I may age, but I refuse to grow up!" Little did I know how true that was.

　

And then the day of reckoning came when I was faced with the ugly facts. I had my moment of truth. A friend did what friends do best; she held up a mirror for me to see myself. I can't say I was pleased with the image, but I was relieved to finally know the truth.

　

I had shared with her some terrible anguish. I can't remember it now. I was always in crisis back then, and I'm sure it was of little relevance anyway. But I will never forget what she told me. I was sobbing and when it ceased, I wiped the tears from my eyes and sheepishly looked at her and said, "Well that was pretty childish, huh?"

　

"Don't be so hard on yourself," she said in a soft voice. I loved the compassion she had for others. God certainly was kind when he placed her in my life. My heart felt uplifted and lighter. And then she continued, "It's very hard to believe you could be childish. I find you to be juvenile deficient."

　

The warm fuzzies melted instantly being replaced with rage. She saw the shift although I didn't say a word. "You know, we sometimes don't grow the way we should," she went on. "At those times we have to pick up where others left off. We have to then, in essence, parent ourselves. The good news is that now you are aware. I hope you can find peace inside and step up and do the right thing for yourself."

　

The warm fuzzies almost returned. I knew she was right, but I knew nothing of child rearing. This was going to be a hell of a trip, good Lord willing and the creek didn't rise!

And here, years later, I have to admit it has been an adventure. But if it weren't for her I never would have gotten to meet that child, much less nurture her into some semblance of wellness. I'm so glad she held up that mirror for me. I'm so glad I listened. I'm so glad that a hundred years from now the world may be better because I made a difference in that one child's life... mine.