Childish Whims

Good or bad. Right or wrong. True or false. It's this black and white thinking that disallows any real peace. It's unrealistic, idealistic and, sometimes, just plain juvenile. How can we find the grey in all that black and white without compromising our integrity or relinquishing our sanity?

My first instinct when events are not to my liking is to cry out, "That's not fair!" I wonder where I got the notion that life was fair to being with. It isn't. It's not supposed to be. But I can tell you this: I lived over three decades believing it was a fact of life. And I've spent nearly that long knowing it not to be and still fighting the inevitable truth. Yes, it has gotten a little better. It isn't the first thing I think any more. But the statement still crosses my mind more often than I care to admit.

If life isn't fair and it is not supposed to be, what I would like to know is why I wasn't informed long before I was. In and of itself, that isn't fair. I have said for years that when I was born someone forgot to give me the instruction sheet for living my life. So I've had to discover the pieces and paste them together like a collage. All too many of the pieces are still in the wind, yet most of the time I am on even footing. But every now and then, I get blindsided and once again I am five years old, crying out in the darkness.

Life won't bend to my rules. I have learned that in a most undignified way more than once. But being reduced from ?? years old (never mind, you don't need to know that) to five is most disconcerting. It is especially embarrassing when it is in the presence of others. But whereas life is lacking, it also has its overflow point. I have learned to recognize those times when I am five and acting out. As a friend once told me, "The good news is that you are now aware."

I didn't appreciate that statement then. It's because I didn't fully understand it. I won't insult you or embarrass myself by saying I've got it down pat now either. I will say, however, that the awareness comes quicker and without much resistance. The black fades to grey and the white darkens in response to it. It levels out and allows me to retain some semblance of sanity and dignity.

I am dangerously close to that second childhood that old age promises. I really don't want to push the envelope.

Success or Failure?

Well, it's been a week now. Have you given up on your New Year's resolutions yet?

I haven't begun mine yet. I thought I would try something new this time around. I decided to make a list of things I wanted to accomplish. The catch is this: I add it to the list when the task is done. That way I know that everything on my list is done. It gives me a sense of accomplishment and confidence to move on.

You may think this is cheating. Maybe so. But think about it. It has its value. when was the last time you could tell yourself that everything you had put on your list was completed?

In the short term, I suppose it could be considered unethical. But in the long term, with myriad additions to the list, a real sense of accomplishment can be savored rather than that feeling of dismal failure in not completing one thing.

We won't complete everything we want to do. We won't even attempt some things. The true failure isn't that we do not succeed in attaining our goals. True failure occurs when we just don't try.

For me... I will try many things this year. Stay tuned...